What Now?

Dear London,

If anyone actually reads this blog they are going to think I need to get checked for bi-polar disorder. My mood and stress levels are so connected to this process of becoming an international student. I should probably chill out, but I cannot let go because I am so afraid that the moment I let loose it will come crashing down around me and - dream over.

I never wanted to be the person so affected by money, but that is who I am becoming. I cannot have or be what I want without it, and therefor its importance has been realized. Now, I am faced with finding a good chunk of dollars with little time and little savings. Why? I have to pay for a plane ticket and 4-6 weeks of rent without the support of my loans that I took out to support my graduate school and living expenses... WHAT?

Without thinking of what will happen if I cannot find the money, I am continuing to fight against the waves crashing into me. Right now I am searching for the way, using my bank as a pretty huge resource. There is the option of taking out a loan and / or there is the option of increasing my credit card maximum amount. The only catch is that I have to convince my manager to sign a paper saying how much I get weekly, which is now on tomorrow's growing to-do-list.

Tomorrow: I also have to finish my Visa application, and wait to hear from Patrick with my huge list of questions about disbursement. We will see how my mood will be by 8:30am and hope it turns out well. I am also having a skype date with Stacey and Ruth tomorrow night, which will be good to sort out housing and when to land in London.

I did receive a lot of help from my parents today, which I am really grateful for. Hopefully, everything will be worked out from their help today. It was really refreshing to not have everything be on me and my shoulders.

Wales: 2009, Photographer: Kristin Bergene

xx, kristin

Scholarships & Reading Lists

Dear London,

I failed to get the international scholarship, which I guess is pretty likely with the percentage they gave me on getting this source of financial aid. BUT GOOD NEWS - I can still get my loans - so that's pretty cool.

Other than that, I did also receive a brief email from the publication section of my masters program. They gave me a few more details on the course, and a bit of a reading list - an intimidatingly big bit. It was also suggested that I look at a few publications and online articles. I will have to sit down this weekend and organize all of that into my busy schedule, but of course this is something I will make room for. It seems I will not be able to take on outside projects for anyone anymore.

Maybe one would say - This is where a smarter person would back down.

Not this kid.

As my Dad once said to me,

"You're a Bergene and Bergene's are not intimidated, we intimidate."

Which has clearly become my manta for this part of my life - and every other part of my life.

Italy: 2009, Photographer: Kristin Bergene

xx, kristin

A Post to Vent

Dear London,

This is all getting quite stressful for me. Where I am on the scale - which is basically off the charts - a weaker person would quit and walk away. I am really afraid of being that person, I have never been that person before.

I will not walk away.

I cannot walk away.

I refuse to walk away.

But, I am about to lose my mind.

I have divided what needs to be done for Kingston into three different categories and each one is weighing on me in an impossible, crushing pressure. While it is possible I am making this more difficult then it actually is, the problem is that I am lacking anyone on this continent and in local area to talk things through with. Constantly, I am making mistakes and missing details and I really believe it is because this is the first time I am doing anything remotely like this on my own. I am missing and needing the support that I used to get from the offices at Oneonta State or from my own advisor.

Right now the categories stand like so:

LOANS

• Applied for, and I believe will get the loans.
• Today, I found out the first disbursement is not till Oct 3rd, which puts difficulties on plane ticket, housing and just enough money for a little food in the first few weeks
• Also, last disbursement is not until the end of June, which is also unfortunate because I should be home then. I am taking out the loan for school not after school, not for after I have graduated.
• CONCLUSION: This seems like an impossible situation, and it does not make sense that the disbursement schedule would work like this. How do they expect us to pay for anything? Like tuition? I just have to think that there is a piece of information I am missing.

VISA

• Need to apply for.
• Need CAS to apply for - which I think came into my email this morning.
• For this, I think it is enough to say I have messed up once on applying for my visa already. I am afraid to get this going again and mess up... again. Also, it seems my knowledge of what I need to get this accomplished is different from what others understand.

HOUSING

• find a flat... in another country, separated by an ocean
• find funding for flat - down payment & few months rent

I honestly cannot see how all this adds up. In fact, I cannot see anything anymore with all the pressure. My life is asking for far too much from me right now, I need six of me to even bite down on the building to-do list in front of me. Logos, websites, book, illustrations, two jobs, all of this graduate stuff and probably other things I am forgetting due to stress. I have not even had the time to write, which is what I am going to graduate school for. I will be uselessly rusty when it comes time to actually write well for my courses, this will be horrible if I cannot get a moment to exercise my skills.

For now, I can only think of the day I sit on the plane and head off for across the ocean. That day, all of this will be behind me, and my only worries should be finding a part-time job and doing my course work. AND, I vow I will not put more on my table than I can handle, as I always do. I will learn to say no - not to experiences - so that I will be able to focus on me and my needs.

Italy: 2009, Photographer: Kristin Bergene

xx, Kristin

Moving Along

Dear London,

Mostly because I feel the need to write, I thought it would be a good time to post an update on this pre-London struggle. Currently, I have registered for the DVL - Daily Vacancies Listings - which will help Ruthie, Stacie and myself find a place to live. The goal for this is going to be by the end of July, which will be good because we will know about loans and scholarships.

I am waiting on my CAS still, though I am planning on sending out an email on Tuesday to check on its status. Part of me is concerned that when I paused its processing, they never got it going again when I sent a second email. No one responded when I asked them if they could begin processing it again. Once I get the CAS I can move onto my Visa, which will cost me dollars and a weekday trip to Albany - I am aiming for a Monday.

That will mean, by the end of July - hopefully - I will have a flat, loans, scholarship, CAS and a Visa taken care of, leaving August for me and my friend and my family to spend quality time together before I move house. It will also mean, I have pretty much taken care of everything and be left to turn my attention to my courses, packing and a plane ticket.

Needless to say - for the moment - everything is going well, and looking up. I have ended my night job at the book store so that I may have more attention to spend on the items listed above plus a few - coughshittoncough - more. Hopefully this moment of little stress will last longer than shorter this time...

Wales: 2009, Photographer: Kristin Bergene

xx, Kristin

Order of Events

Dear London,

I now believe I know what order I need to do things in, I just need deadlines. Hopefully tomorrow several emails will arrive and give me dates - and perhaps a checklist - of what I need to accomplish. For now though, here is what order I believe things need to be done in...

1. Student Space - I need to log onto Student Space so I can check the daily listings on flats. This cannot be done until I hear from the tech office and they give me a new password into my account - which should be tomorrow morning.
2. Find a Flat - Something that Stacey, Ruthie and I agree on and fits our needs. Phillipa said she would look at a falt for us, if we found something we really liked. This is also needed for the CAS and the Visa with a UK address.
3. Get Loans - Have the money safely place in my account, or at least okay through the university. There is little I can do before I have the money in my bank.
4. Put Payment on the Flat - Which I need the loans for, and the location.
5. Pay for Tuition - At least 50% of my tuition, but I think I will pay in full. This way it is out of the way and they can include that on my CAS.
6. CAS - Apply for my CAS, which I can do after June 20th, once I have a UK address and my tuition is paid.
7. Visa - Apply for Visa, which I can do after I get my CAS.
8. Appointment for Visa - Schedule an appointment, which comes at the end of the Visa application. This is where I bring in my biometrics, which is the paperwork and identification that complets the application process.
9. Buy Plane Ticket - This is going to depend on a few things, like whether or not I want to wait for my visa to come through. One thing I know for certain is that it will be a one-way ticket, because I literally have no idea when I will be coming home. AND, while I was aiming for September 4th, I think I will have to wait for the following weekend... which is September 11th. Though, I don't know how I feel about that either, maybe I will do September 10th instead?
10. Shopping Trip - I am also planning a shopping trip where I find several new outfits that can interchange. This is so I can pack a little amount of clothing. I am also planning on donating most of my clothes before I head overseas, after I go shopping.

That is the plan, but like I said before I have no dates for anything. Somewhere in between I hope to have time to work on my writing abilities, so I can start the year strong. Also, I would like make time to see my family before I move to London for 10-ish months.

AND this is yet another boring post by me and this process, only made better by the following SURPRISE picture...

Amsterdam: Fall 2009, Photographer: Kristin Bergene

xx, Kristin

Loans - FAFSA

Dear London,

Not that I feel like is it entirely appropriate to talk about money in a public setting, I do want to make a note on my loan process, because this is a very difficult thing for me to accomplish. It could be just me, but I have heard many complaints from many people about taking out loans. Yes, I have filled out my application, but when I go to the website it will not let me look at the actual application that I have filled out. It says I need to update my Adobe, SO I did that, but I still cannot see the document. I used their online chat for help, and the sum of all the answers I received was: Ask your university... Which obviously made me wonder what questions they were there to answer.

Now I have sent a follow up email to someone at Kingston University, basically telling him I am useless. I am hoping that by telling him what I want for my Stafford loan and my PLUS loan we can begin the beginning of the end of this process. I know exactly how much I would like to have in my bank account before I head overseas, I just need someone to put it in there. I feel like it should be that simple, don't they want the profit of my interest on these giant loans?

There is also a debate raging in my head of what order this is all supposed to happen. When do I find housing? I need to know how much I will be paying monthly for a flat, so I can add that onto the final amount of my loan request. I also need to have the money in my account and an address in the United Kingdom when trying to apply for my Visa. Not to mention, I need the CAS letter for my visa, which I will not get until I finish all the work for my loans. AND I need to have my visa before I head overseas, which I would like to do sooner than later so I can find a place to live... I should really draw this out in a circle digram, so I can map out the craziness of this process. It makes me wonder if I am the only one stuck in this trap of deadline and prerequisites.

I hope not.

Anyway, as a person I do need to relax and let things role as they should. I am just really afraid that I will miss something and not be able to go this year. I would be heartbroken. Right now, I just have to wait to hear back from the university from that email. More than anything, I hope they get back to me within this week so that I can move onto the next step.

And as a complete side-note, none of this is made easier with the loss of my best friend and dog for the last 13 years, Kochanie. I feel like if I could just cuddle with her for awhile, I would calm down and de-stress. I miss her so much...

For now, I am going to try and breath.

Somewhere between Belgium and Amsterdam: Fall 2009, Photographer: Kristin Bergene

xx, Kristin

Prepare.

Dear London,

Unlike last time, I thought I'd keep track of the process before I leave the country - even though I've yet to announce the existence of this blog. It would have been really helpful if past me had left a checklist or guide of what to do in order to become an international student. All I remember from that time, is loads of paperwork and the assistant of a great home base at Oneonta State and a great foreign base in the Study Abroad International Student office at Kingston University. Now, I have very little paperwork - other than the stuff I've printed on my own which is generally useless - and no support from a home base. It is very difficult for me to figure out the right questions to ask to see if I am on the right direction, but I might start with...

Hello, I am looking for a giant checklist to make sure my international student process goes smoothly. You know, a list of when and what I have to do before I am allowed to come to your University. For example, this whole Visa business... you know, I didn't need one last time.

But beyond Visa's - note: I am applying for Tier 4 - I am trying to work out FAFSA and loans. I have no clue how much I am going to need for 10 months abroad. The numbers I have crunched and the numbers they have crunched differ by $20,000, which is a huge difference of opinions. My mom says to pick the middle, so that's what I am planning on doing... but I don't know how.

My biggest problem at the moment, is that I don't have time to figure out and charm the system. After quitting my job at The Freeman's Journal because of my hours being cut, I now have more hours than I know what to do with - which is great for a piece of the loan situation. Ah well, there are worse things I could complain about. So, for my own benefit, the following is a list of what I need to accomplish...

1. apply for Visa - appointment, CAS letter, biometrics, etc...
2. figure out FAFSA - how much to take out, how to take out, how soon I can take out, etc...
3. find housing - which is just a bunch of questions - live with Phillipa again still I can find a place, live with Ruthie/Stacey, live on campus, live off campus, how much???
4. buy plane ticket and transportation to the airport - do I buy one way, just in case?
5. packing - need my drugs, clothes, toiletries, etc to fit in one suitcase and last 10+ months...

... And all while keeping up my writing ability, finishing my book, illustration, working, working, working, and trying not to explode from overwhelming stress. BUT HEY, in early September I will be somewhere between here and there, traveling to my home for the next - almost - year and that only 3ish months away. I am planning on leaving work two weeks before the end of August, so that I can go on a little vacation with my sister and hopefully other family, then have one week off to pack, think and get stuff done and then head out to LONDON-TOWN.

With optimism in mind, I will now post a random picture, that I have allowed computer to select, from my last experience as a token of my ambition and a moment of remembrance.

Abbey: Wales, 2009. Photographer: Kristin Bergene

Also, I leave you with this thought: When you leave many behind to achieve what lies ahead, remember that we are all striving for success, but only the individual can declare when success has been had. Do not let others prevent you, as much as you would not attempt to prevent them.

xx, Kristin