Searching

I do not know what I expected from this looking for a flat business, but I do have two very firm facts:

1. I have not even been here a week.
2. I cannot do much about it on a Sunday, when everything is closed.

So why am I still stressing about this? There is other stuff I need to be doing, like reading Rebecca, but I cannot seem to move past the fact that I have yet to schedule one viewing. In this purgatory of finding a permanent flat, I know I am not alone. Constantly, I am running into others who are in the same situation -

So, why is this so hard? 

The Uni cannot offer much more help then linking me to the advice-ridden webpage, and sending me lists and lists of letting agencies - I've emailed them all this morning. It seems to me that I cannot do this without their assistance, yet others have done this before me and are doing it right now. And it is cheaper without them.

Ah well - time to try and relax and do something really productive. It is the first time I have ever actually searched for a flat, so my emotions towards it are to be expected I guess.

Maybe, I'll go for a walk. 

xx, Kristin

Adjusting: Part 2

It is 7am London time.

It is 2am in my brain.

I have been waking up every 15 or so minutes since 5am.

Midnight - in my brain.

The weight of everything is pushing me into a little ball of exhaustion and sickness. My throat is burning, my nose is hot and I am unable to fall into that deep, restoring sleep. While the reasons for its onslaught are many - change in climate, jetlag, running around / being run down, the city setting, the unconsidered and sudden change in diet - I cannot help but think it might have something to do with overwhelming stress.

Approximately 40 minutes ago, I gave up trying to sleep. I told myself that later in this day, between meetings and life I would find a spare moment to find the sleep I missed. Shortly after this, I found myself in the den, chowing down on a bag of crisps. I have never been a stress eater, but after the third small bag I considered it as a realistic option.

Earlier - or more correctly - Yesterday, I posted everything I was trying to accomplish in the next week. From the leisurely 10/11am - 5/6pm work week, I went right into the real world and, without armor. Now with classes looming one week form this Monday, my entier body is caving under the stress.

Though, presently as I sit in this quiet and dark home it seems that I am alone on the stress-caving emotion.

In the next week I need to find a place to live. I need too. I need it to settle down. To unpack. To feel like I have finally found a good resting point fo the end of the means. To begin my course on the right foot, with a private place to work. My own space. All my current work seems impossible to complete till I find this place. All playtime desires are shadowed by the lack of it's existence. I just want to read, write and illustrate - also, sleep.

Even in my weakest moments of stress eating - the salt of those crisps still on my lips - I cannot forget that I am lucky to have the Adam's family who not only took us in, but also continue to offer advice  on what we are looking for. I am lucky to have made it to this point, starting the next year of my life as a student in London. I do understand that there are many who wish for the same experience, and have not yet found the way to make it happen.

Watching the sun's light brighten the buildings across the street, I sat alone in the den and restored calm. A moment to just think, and breath. A silent corner to reflect on this moment, while the sky turned from navy to a pale blue.

I am lucky.

I am overwhelmed.

And that is just fine for now. 

xx, Kristin

What Now?

Dear London,

If anyone actually reads this blog they are going to think I need to get checked for bi-polar disorder. My mood and stress levels are so connected to this process of becoming an international student. I should probably chill out, but I cannot let go because I am so afraid that the moment I let loose it will come crashing down around me and - dream over.

I never wanted to be the person so affected by money, but that is who I am becoming. I cannot have or be what I want without it, and therefor its importance has been realized. Now, I am faced with finding a good chunk of dollars with little time and little savings. Why? I have to pay for a plane ticket and 4-6 weeks of rent without the support of my loans that I took out to support my graduate school and living expenses... WHAT?

Without thinking of what will happen if I cannot find the money, I am continuing to fight against the waves crashing into me. Right now I am searching for the way, using my bank as a pretty huge resource. There is the option of taking out a loan and / or there is the option of increasing my credit card maximum amount. The only catch is that I have to convince my manager to sign a paper saying how much I get weekly, which is now on tomorrow's growing to-do-list.

Tomorrow: I also have to finish my Visa application, and wait to hear from Patrick with my huge list of questions about disbursement. We will see how my mood will be by 8:30am and hope it turns out well. I am also having a skype date with Stacey and Ruth tomorrow night, which will be good to sort out housing and when to land in London.

I did receive a lot of help from my parents today, which I am really grateful for. Hopefully, everything will be worked out from their help today. It was really refreshing to not have everything be on me and my shoulders.

Wales: 2009, Photographer: Kristin Bergene

xx, kristin

Let Me Start With...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

The Thoughts of an International Student

Dear London,

Everyday - every weekday - it seems that I am hearing more and more from Kingston. It is a constant flow of term schedules, orientations, and twitter following suggestions. At the beginning of the week, it freaked me out. In the middle of the week, I was in an honest panic. But now, I have returned to a moment of calm.

The thoughts of being a student again, after being out of school for over a year filled me with excitement and fear. I love to learn. I love the institution of higher education. I love being able to control - to an extent - how I learn the material I am faced with. However, will I be able to control myself when I return to Europe? I have told anyone who had asked, or suggested their own desires, that rather than exploring Europe again I plan to hop on trains and see the countryside of England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales. But then my head goes - of course I will visit Italy again with Phillipa and of course I will return to Norway to see my family - and this time with pictures and better presents from america. Not to mention that I have to visit Amanda in Spain!

And I do fear that this chain will break my attention from my studies, the reason I am returning to Kingston - I think - to receive an impressive master's degree in Creative Writing and Publishing. Constantly, I fill my head with the thoughts and advice from my Aunt Sandy. The power of a master's degree on its own, plus the fact that I was courageous enough to travel to another to receive this degree IS A GOOD THING. I hate, hate, hate to be limited and this path I am on should make my limitations less - except with the whole dollar, dollar bills thing.

I can imagine that I am not the only worried international student, though the arasmus students - European International Students traveling to another European country for education - would not be faced with the temptation of most countries in Europe. Perhaps Ruthie and Stacey are in the same place as myself. Maybe I will make new friends, bonding over this constant cycling thought process in my mind.

ANYWAY - back to the emails. Now, I am aware that:

• I should be finished with my course between June 4th and June 28th.
• I also know what the Master Classes will be of and that they will occur every Monday from 6pm to 8pm.
• I know that after I finish re-reading Harry Potter, I will need to read Rebecca.
• I know that I need to create a new and private twitter account, so I can follow their suggestions easily.
• I know when and what some of the orientation events will be and have added them all to my calendar.

Though - I still do not know:

• when I will receive my loans
• how and when to buy my plane ticket
• what my courses will be
• where I will live
• and if my visa is as easy as I hope and think it seems.

These thoughts are still weighing on my mind and every time I run though them, I am certain I am missing one. Even now, I am sitting here thinking if I need to add something to that list, but nothing else comes to my nervous mind.

At this point, I can no longer say, "I am probably going to England this fall." I have made a promise I will not, and that I will spend a year learning amazing things inside and outside of the classroom. Fingers crossed that I am not forgetting anything...

Norway: 2009, Photographer: Kristin Bergene

xx, kristin

A Post to Vent

Dear London,

This is all getting quite stressful for me. Where I am on the scale - which is basically off the charts - a weaker person would quit and walk away. I am really afraid of being that person, I have never been that person before.

I will not walk away.

I cannot walk away.

I refuse to walk away.

But, I am about to lose my mind.

I have divided what needs to be done for Kingston into three different categories and each one is weighing on me in an impossible, crushing pressure. While it is possible I am making this more difficult then it actually is, the problem is that I am lacking anyone on this continent and in local area to talk things through with. Constantly, I am making mistakes and missing details and I really believe it is because this is the first time I am doing anything remotely like this on my own. I am missing and needing the support that I used to get from the offices at Oneonta State or from my own advisor.

Right now the categories stand like so:

LOANS

• Applied for, and I believe will get the loans.
• Today, I found out the first disbursement is not till Oct 3rd, which puts difficulties on plane ticket, housing and just enough money for a little food in the first few weeks
• Also, last disbursement is not until the end of June, which is also unfortunate because I should be home then. I am taking out the loan for school not after school, not for after I have graduated.
• CONCLUSION: This seems like an impossible situation, and it does not make sense that the disbursement schedule would work like this. How do they expect us to pay for anything? Like tuition? I just have to think that there is a piece of information I am missing.

VISA

• Need to apply for.
• Need CAS to apply for - which I think came into my email this morning.
• For this, I think it is enough to say I have messed up once on applying for my visa already. I am afraid to get this going again and mess up... again. Also, it seems my knowledge of what I need to get this accomplished is different from what others understand.

HOUSING

• find a flat... in another country, separated by an ocean
• find funding for flat - down payment & few months rent

I honestly cannot see how all this adds up. In fact, I cannot see anything anymore with all the pressure. My life is asking for far too much from me right now, I need six of me to even bite down on the building to-do list in front of me. Logos, websites, book, illustrations, two jobs, all of this graduate stuff and probably other things I am forgetting due to stress. I have not even had the time to write, which is what I am going to graduate school for. I will be uselessly rusty when it comes time to actually write well for my courses, this will be horrible if I cannot get a moment to exercise my skills.

For now, I can only think of the day I sit on the plane and head off for across the ocean. That day, all of this will be behind me, and my only worries should be finding a part-time job and doing my course work. AND, I vow I will not put more on my table than I can handle, as I always do. I will learn to say no - not to experiences - so that I will be able to focus on me and my needs.

Italy: 2009, Photographer: Kristin Bergene

xx, Kristin