A Post to Vent

Dear London,

This is all getting quite stressful for me. Where I am on the scale - which is basically off the charts - a weaker person would quit and walk away. I am really afraid of being that person, I have never been that person before.

I will not walk away.

I cannot walk away.

I refuse to walk away.

But, I am about to lose my mind.

I have divided what needs to be done for Kingston into three different categories and each one is weighing on me in an impossible, crushing pressure. While it is possible I am making this more difficult then it actually is, the problem is that I am lacking anyone on this continent and in local area to talk things through with. Constantly, I am making mistakes and missing details and I really believe it is because this is the first time I am doing anything remotely like this on my own. I am missing and needing the support that I used to get from the offices at Oneonta State or from my own advisor.

Right now the categories stand like so:

LOANS

• Applied for, and I believe will get the loans.
• Today, I found out the first disbursement is not till Oct 3rd, which puts difficulties on plane ticket, housing and just enough money for a little food in the first few weeks
• Also, last disbursement is not until the end of June, which is also unfortunate because I should be home then. I am taking out the loan for school not after school, not for after I have graduated.
• CONCLUSION: This seems like an impossible situation, and it does not make sense that the disbursement schedule would work like this. How do they expect us to pay for anything? Like tuition? I just have to think that there is a piece of information I am missing.

VISA

• Need to apply for.
• Need CAS to apply for - which I think came into my email this morning.
• For this, I think it is enough to say I have messed up once on applying for my visa already. I am afraid to get this going again and mess up... again. Also, it seems my knowledge of what I need to get this accomplished is different from what others understand.

HOUSING

• find a flat... in another country, separated by an ocean
• find funding for flat - down payment & few months rent

I honestly cannot see how all this adds up. In fact, I cannot see anything anymore with all the pressure. My life is asking for far too much from me right now, I need six of me to even bite down on the building to-do list in front of me. Logos, websites, book, illustrations, two jobs, all of this graduate stuff and probably other things I am forgetting due to stress. I have not even had the time to write, which is what I am going to graduate school for. I will be uselessly rusty when it comes time to actually write well for my courses, this will be horrible if I cannot get a moment to exercise my skills.

For now, I can only think of the day I sit on the plane and head off for across the ocean. That day, all of this will be behind me, and my only worries should be finding a part-time job and doing my course work. AND, I vow I will not put more on my table than I can handle, as I always do. I will learn to say no - not to experiences - so that I will be able to focus on me and my needs.

Italy: 2009, Photographer: Kristin Bergene

xx, Kristin