Whatever Negativity

Dear London,

Whatever Negativity is my new slogan for this process. This morning, I woke up at 6:30am to get prepared for my Visa appointment in Albany, NY. As I woke up, I decided to research flights to England - still hoping for a cheap trip as it is coming out of my pocket and not my loans. With hardly any searching, I found the cheapest flight yet - $539. My jaw dropped and I called my Dad with excitement telling him my fantastic discovery. As I read the details they seemed easy enough - Albany, NY, to Boston, MA, to Reykjavik, Iceland, to London, England.

... On another note, I will soon create a completely unrelated post entitled - "What Not to Do While You Are Trying to Wake Up."

My basic rational for this trip with layovers was : I have travled before. I have done the walking, to train, to bus to plane thing. And before purchase I, of course, had my father look at the details and with his statement of, "You've got to do, what you've got to do," I purchased my $539 plane ticket to London, England - with many stops in between. However, as I printed out the itinerary page something came to my attention. It was not till after my card went cha-ching did I notice something, complicated:

1. September 12 @ 4:55pm - I leave Albany International Airport.
2. September 12 @ 6:05pm - I arrive in Boston, MA.
3. September 12 @ 9:30pm - I leave Boston, MA.
4. September 13 @ 6:30am - I arrive in Reykjavik, Iceland.
5. September 13 @ 4:10pm - I leave Reykjavik, Iceland.
6. September 13 @ 8:10pm - I arrive in London, England.

Now, I do not know if you noticed the time gap between each stop, because I certainly did not on my first, second or third glance at 7am this morning. While the flight time is expected to be long - and I am accustomed to that with my several flights over the pond - the extension of these layovers nearly blew my un-caffeinated mind:

1. There is nearly a 3 1/2 hour layover in Boston.
2. There is nearly a 9 1/2 hour layover in Reykjavik.
3. AND in case you did not notice I begin my travels in the afternoon of one day - September 12th - and end on the evening of the next - September 13th.

. . .

My heart stopped.

. . .

My stomach lunged.

. . .

My breathing increased.

. . .

I will be spending an entier day and a half waiting in airports and being alone. I will be risking my luggage to take this same trip - but without my guidance. But, I will also have to be prepared to enroll the very next day at Kingston University. And all this before I even made it 30 minutes from home on my way to Albany for my biometrics. In silence, I wrestled with the thoughts, passing ideas to my Dad. Ideas such as - I cannot afford to pay more. I have nothing better to do. It does get me there on the same day as the complimentary pick-up from the airport into Kingston. But with all these semi-comforting thoughts, there was one positive thought that hit me hard in the temple...

Whatever Negativity.

That was it. I had spent my summer getting one blow after another, loans and visas and housing and loans and applications and visa. Everything had stressed me out. Everything had me crashing on my bed at night, exhausted from thinking. And here it was again. But this time, it was my mistake. This time, I had created my own stress. Everything again seemed to be out of my control, so I just stopped, and thought...

Whatever Negativity.

The stress and panic kept jumping in my face, and I would push it down - always fighting. Its rushing heat was taking hold of my every thought with this international student process. The negativity was causing me to doubt this decision and choose to believe that this is just a crazy dream. Why should I do this? What is the real reason? There are so many facts against me...

Yes - this is going to cost me money - a lot of money.

Yes - I am going to be very far from home for an entire year.

Yes - I have no clue what I will be doing once I receive my Masters - or where I will go.

All arguable points, but their weakness is that they are just common facts. Facts, do not show the level of how immensely I want this. Maybe I do not need this Master's degree to succeed in becoming a writer, or working in publishing, but who can really know? The only things that should be considered now, so far into this commitment are that...

I understand the sacrifices.

I want this education.

I want the investment in my future.

I want the input and the independent lifestyle.

I want to be a travler again - even if that means just being lucky enough to return to London.

Before when people asked me why I wanted to do this, I would say to them - I do not want to be the person saying, 'I wish I could do that,' I want to be the person that actually does what they wish - and that was my unbeatable, driving point. It is my choice, my risk and my desire. No one, not even myself, should have anything stronger to argue against me. No one, not even myself, should wish me to complete anything less that becoming the person 'who does what they wish.' It is my life after all.

Whatever Negitivity.

This flight started my morning with excitement. It filled my mid-morning with anguish. But it strengthened me before I even reached the doors of the Homeland Security Office in Albany an hour and thirty minutes away. Now is not the time to forget that I want to be a travler, and I want the adventure. What could be more promising to this academic year than a flight that will take two days, and three countries to accomplished? A kick start back into that independent person I used to be.

Of course, all of this only affirmed by my cousin Paul's almost comforting words when I told him what I had done, "I'm jealous."

The visa appointment for my biometrics than became a breeze. I like to think it came with the change of my worn-down attitude back into a positive strength. I was in the back office before my appointment even started at 10am, and out 15 minutes later after taking my photograph and scanning my fingerprints. Even the next step of the Visa progress now seems less extreme, as I begin to realize it might be as uncomplicated as it appears. By the end of this week, I will have gathered all the appropriate documents and send them down to the British Consulate to meet my biometrics. Hopefully, shortly after that my visa will arrive in the mail and I can cross yet another item off my ever shortening to-do list.

In a day that was filled with emotions, it all worked out. I just have to keep remembering my new slogan - Whatever Negativity.

Oxford: 2009, Photographer: Kristin Bergene

xx, Kristin